1.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent
with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note
that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also
being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by
him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the
party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
2.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one
to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to
write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change
the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
3.
A man who had been caught
embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense.
He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry.
You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was
right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
4.
A lawyer named Impos Syble was
shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the
stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"
5.
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!
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